Here at The Chivery, we love Chuck Norris. After all, how could you not? We’re just like the rest of America, telling Chuck Norris jokes, spreading classic myths, and generally admiring his badassery. Hell, we even made a Chug Norris shirt because not only do we love a good play on words, but we also would effing love to go pound some beers with that motherfucker.
Anyways, just when we thought we knew enough about old man Norris, we got slapped in the face with some surprising facts about the dude. Here are 20 of our favorite –– totally legitimate, 100% fact-checked, not at all made up –– Chuck Norris facts.
He has a cameo in Titanic.
He didn’t have a speaking role, but you may have noticed him as the iceberg.
He won a game of Connect Four… in three moves.
We don’t know how he did it, but he did. While we’re curious as to how the hell he managed that, we know that it’s better not to ask questions when it comes to Chuck Norris. (Let’s be real, he wouldn’t tell us peasants anyways.)
He likes his meat super rare. So rare that he only eats unicorns.
That must be why us normal folks have never seen one.
He doesn’t have hair on his balls.
Not because Chuck Norris manscapes, but because hair can’t grow on fucking steel.
His tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris has never cried.
In this case we kind of want him to cry because we’re not totally heartless. C’mon Chuck Norris, just a little cry please.
He once drowned a fish.
Wait, is that what actually happened to Nemo’s mom? Watching Finding Nemo will never be the same.
He can build a snowman out of rain.
Let us refresh your memory: these aren’t Chuck Norris jokes, these are Chuck Norris facts. Don’t doubt our research.
He can play the violin with a piano.
So fuck off, Beethoven.
He’s always on top when he has sex, because Chuck Norris doesn’t fuck up.
(If you don’t get it, get the hell outta here.)
He can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris > physics.
He doesn’t wear condoms.
When it comes to Chuck Norris, there’s no such thing as protection.
Guns don’t kill people… Chuck Norris does.
That’s not political; it’s just downright factual.
He seasons his meat with pepper spray.
There’s nothing like a piping hot serving of well-seasoned unicorn.
He doesn’t shower.
Apparently, he only takes blood baths. We’re not exactly sure how he stays clean, but hey, it’s Chuck Norris. Anything is possible.
He is the only person to have counted to infinity…
…And he did it lightning fast.
He doesn’t throw up if he gets hammered. Instead, he throws down.
Moral of the story? If there’s one thing we want to make clear it’s that when it comes to Chuck Norris facts, everything is fair game. There is no such thing as logic and he’s essentially magic. These well-researched and peer-reviewed facts confirms that. Anyone who disagrees is spreading #fakenews.