When it comes to boozing, there’s never a wrong time to get a buzz going. Never. (Yeah, we said it.) One of the best ways you can get ‘er done anytime and anywhere while not seeming like a raging alcoholic is to keep your drinking on the DL.
The secret to accomplishing this? A deceptive flask. Because come on now, you’re not gonna always be able to drink a ’40 out of a paper bag. It’s time to step up, so we’re going to enlighten you.
Before you fall in love with this handy life hack, you may be asking if we even sell secret flasks. And we ask in response, is that even a question? Of course we do!
The Sunscreen Flask
We might be biased — AKA, we’re definitely biased — but we think this deceptive flask is really fucking dope. In fact, it’s one of the perfect flasks for women — because bitches love sunscreen.
Insert “you’re supposed to wear sunscreen on your face every day! It prevents wrinkles and sunspots” lecture from the women in your life.
Yes, that ‘sunscreen every day’ mumbo jumbo may be true, but it’s only worth considering if you’re getting something out of it. And you’re quite literally getting something out of it in this case: booze!
So if you don’t mind seeming #basic, whether you’re a girl or a guy, you can essentially use this flask anywhere and at any time. Let’s be real: after a couple a drinks, you won’t care if you look #basic or not anyways.
This sunscreen flask is also perfect for getting your drink on at the beach, particularly at beaches where public drinking isn’t allowed. (Yeah, we know. That’s bullshit.)
Other great uses include festivals, amusement parks, college game day — or fuck it, full-fledged NFL games, and those boring ass county fairs throughout the summer that you’re basically obligated to bring your kids to.
Yes, you definitely need alcohol for the nightmare that is attending a fair with children. Keep Calm and Drink On…? Honestly, maybe sunscreen isn’t lame after all.
Don’t mind us, we’re just drinking sunscreen.
Of course, there are also a ton of cool DIY flasks that you can make on your own, and that’s totally cool too.
They’re definitely not as cool as our sunscreen flask — or as incredible as our flashlight flask that serves as a flashlight, compass, and booze-supplier — but we understand that doing it yourself is sometimes the only thing on the menu.
The Cough Syrup Flask
Headed to a family dinner that you’re fucking dreading? Can’t necessarily say you’re too sick to skip out? After all, this may be one of those rare dinners where your whole freaking family is together and you just have to suck it up. We get it. You don’t really want to listen to your “woke” aunt and her family ramble about politics for 4 hours. (Listen Aunt Deborah, I understand that you think you’re all smart and shit. Doesn’t mean I’m ever going to want to listen to your crap.)
If this sounds all too familiar, all hope isn’t dead. You can still play the sick card… while not missing the horrible family event.
Just tell them you’re sick and bring some “cough medicine” to the affair as a DIY deceptive flask. Take an old cough syrup bottle and fill it up with booze.
If you don’t have an empty bottle laying around, well kudos for not being a pig. Guess you’re just going to have to dump out the NyQuil from the bottle and fill it with something more, uh, important for the time being.
And if you’re acting a little buzzed at dinner? Oh well, must be from all the cough medicine.
I mean, cough syrup does have alcohol in it, to be fair.
Some of us are fit, some of us have beer bellies, and some of us tread the line of “kinda fit but definitely can pound a 12-pack.”
You better believe that we’re totally here for that. Life is about balance, after all. So if you want to look fit-ish while secretly hitting the sauce, we have an idea for you.
Granted we know that you won’t be making the flask from scratch in this case, but it’s still DIY in the sense that you’re making something awesome out of something shitty. Okay, not exactly something shitty, just something that isn’t typically good for getting drunk in public.
All you have to do is use a hydration bladder. The most popular brand is Camelbak, so just imagine that if you’re confused.
Also, can we talk about how weird the term ‘hydration bladder’ is? And the irony is not lost on us that it’s called a hydration bladder while the booze you’ll be drinking from it will dehydrate you while stimulating your bladder.
Basically, you’ll be peeing all the time. But if you like booze — and if you’re reading an article about deceptive flasks, you clearly do — you already know that alcohol makes you piss.
Moral of the story? Fuck water, replace it with booze! (Except when you’re hungover. In that case, we thank God for H2O.)
Stop reading this and go order a flask.
Or you know, make one. But that sounds like a lot of work. You’re missing out if you don’t have a deceptive flask, so it’s time for you to cop one ASAP.
You may not be in the armed forces, but you can be a stealthy badass — without all of the respect and essentially none of the dignity. On the other hand, if you give no fucks about public intoxication, you can always rock one of our traditional flasks. They’re dope too.
And before you ask us how people won’t know you’re drinking? Boy do we have some answers:
1. You’re a fucking rookie.
2. That’s why gum was invented.
Keep calm and party on, my friends!
Image Source: https://pixabay.com/en/flu-influenza-cold-virus-sick-1006045/ - Stevepb, Pixabay
Image Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Camel_back.jpg - Wikimedia Commons